I am up very early because half the night was taken up by flashbacks.
I get caught between sleep and waking in these flashbacks and I always want to write them down and do something with them, but by the time I am fully awake, they are too far from my conscious memory to capture.
Tuesday 8 March 2016
Monday 7 March 2016
School
Last night I dreamed I was caretaking the school again.
In real life:
Mainly the caretaking was cleaning, and it wasn't a lovely job, but it meant I could put on my cv that I had a responsible position with keyholding, setting alarms and locking up.
In the dream I dreamed I was cleaning part of the school and I went to clean another part of the school, there was an archery contest going on outside.
One of the fussy, prissy teachers came in from archery and started demanding to know why I was cleaning a different part of the school.
In the dream I was lost for words, feeling like a naughty child, as I did in real life with these clone-like primary school teachers.
Real Life:
Working there was not wonderful, a CofE primary school that I was shovelled into by the Vicar, because it was what she wanted, a school full of the Agricultural college-Church-School bigots.
I didn't like being treated like a naughty child by those stylish clones who often had to stay until very late doing their paperwork and needed someone to take their frustration out on.
I wonder if being taught by stylish clones means that the kids feel the need to be stylish clones?
Anyway, in the end I left.
In real life:
Mainly the caretaking was cleaning, and it wasn't a lovely job, but it meant I could put on my cv that I had a responsible position with keyholding, setting alarms and locking up.
In the dream I dreamed I was cleaning part of the school and I went to clean another part of the school, there was an archery contest going on outside.
One of the fussy, prissy teachers came in from archery and started demanding to know why I was cleaning a different part of the school.
In the dream I was lost for words, feeling like a naughty child, as I did in real life with these clone-like primary school teachers.
Real Life:
Working there was not wonderful, a CofE primary school that I was shovelled into by the Vicar, because it was what she wanted, a school full of the Agricultural college-Church-School bigots.
I didn't like being treated like a naughty child by those stylish clones who often had to stay until very late doing their paperwork and needed someone to take their frustration out on.
I wonder if being taught by stylish clones means that the kids feel the need to be stylish clones?
Anyway, in the end I left.
Two dreams in two nights
I am dreaming a lot at the moment.
The last few nights, the dreams have hurt.
I dreamed the other night about my old friends in Winchester, the family who I lodged with very happily for two years while I was a student, and who remained my friends until the Diocese publicly destroyed and imprisoned me and left me homeless while involving all of my friends in vilifying me getting their side heard.
I think the last words to me of my old friend and landlady who I had been so humiliated to was: 'Why don't you just move on?'
Very sad. I had known them from age 17 until that dreadful life-destroying catastrophe of the Diocese of Winchester destroying me, and the diocese simply wiped the trust and friendship out as they did with my other friendships, the stabilities of friendships that had been there since I was a teenager, and needed as I have always been fragile and vulnerable. My survival of that act of hatred by the diocese was only a miracle.
Anyway, so I was dreaming about this dear old family, and in my dream, you know how in dreams you can feel out of place and as if you are doing something wrong?
Well in the dream I was kind of lodging there and kind of not welcome and not allowed.
It reflected the reality of how these people who I lodged with and stayed over with and was friends with, started safeguarding against me because of the diocese, and that was utterly soul shattering for me.
It was a very sad dream because it was so real, they were so real and I loved and missed them, while in real life I had to learn not to love and miss my old friends who the diocese turned against me otherwise I wouldn't have been able to go on living.
Anyway, the saddest parts of the dream were how real the house and family seemed in the dream, and especially the dog, who died a long time ago now, she was there, alive but old, and it was heartbreaking because even in the dream I knew that couldn't be right.
When I was a very frightened and lost teenager, that dog was my friend and we used to walk in Winchester in the cold dark evenings and it was heaven.
I woke up very sad and full of flashbacks. And I realised that the number of years that have passed, they will be older now if they are alive, the couple there.
The other dream was about Guernsey.
This is a recurring dream that may well be caused by something specific, which I will not try to explain on here.
I dreamed I was in Guernsey, had moved there.
This dream annoys me even in the dream, I would not move to Guernsey, what I love about the dream is the islands and the sea and sailing, but I really dislike Guernsey and I dislike having to see the Lihous in the dream, the damage they did can never be undone.
So the flashbacks that that dream triggered were really bad.
The last few nights, the dreams have hurt.
I dreamed the other night about my old friends in Winchester, the family who I lodged with very happily for two years while I was a student, and who remained my friends until the Diocese publicly destroyed and imprisoned me and left me homeless while involving all of my friends in vilifying me getting their side heard.
I think the last words to me of my old friend and landlady who I had been so humiliated to was: 'Why don't you just move on?'
Very sad. I had known them from age 17 until that dreadful life-destroying catastrophe of the Diocese of Winchester destroying me, and the diocese simply wiped the trust and friendship out as they did with my other friendships, the stabilities of friendships that had been there since I was a teenager, and needed as I have always been fragile and vulnerable. My survival of that act of hatred by the diocese was only a miracle.
Anyway, so I was dreaming about this dear old family, and in my dream, you know how in dreams you can feel out of place and as if you are doing something wrong?
Well in the dream I was kind of lodging there and kind of not welcome and not allowed.
It reflected the reality of how these people who I lodged with and stayed over with and was friends with, started safeguarding against me because of the diocese, and that was utterly soul shattering for me.
It was a very sad dream because it was so real, they were so real and I loved and missed them, while in real life I had to learn not to love and miss my old friends who the diocese turned against me otherwise I wouldn't have been able to go on living.
Anyway, the saddest parts of the dream were how real the house and family seemed in the dream, and especially the dog, who died a long time ago now, she was there, alive but old, and it was heartbreaking because even in the dream I knew that couldn't be right.
When I was a very frightened and lost teenager, that dog was my friend and we used to walk in Winchester in the cold dark evenings and it was heaven.
I woke up very sad and full of flashbacks. And I realised that the number of years that have passed, they will be older now if they are alive, the couple there.
The other dream was about Guernsey.
This is a recurring dream that may well be caused by something specific, which I will not try to explain on here.
I dreamed I was in Guernsey, had moved there.
This dream annoys me even in the dream, I would not move to Guernsey, what I love about the dream is the islands and the sea and sailing, but I really dislike Guernsey and I dislike having to see the Lihous in the dream, the damage they did can never be undone.
So the flashbacks that that dream triggered were really bad.
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